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zeephyre · 1 year ago

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CRITICAL ROLE CAMPAIGN 3 EPISODE 85 SPOILERS

IM LITERALLY ABOUT TO LOSE MY MIND YALL

Where do I even ??? start ???

I haven't been posting c3 as the episodes dropped in...a while actually, like right before they went to the feywild. i have many thoughts and many feelings about so many things that have happened since then and I'll summarise them so I can get to THIS episode.

fearne and ashton - love their shard powers, they're literally royalty and terrifying, and i want them to make-out. i can't wait to see them go full primordial again in a real combat situation.

imogen - save her. literally save her. free her, even. i love everything about the call of ruidus when it comes to imogen on a narrative standpoint, but...God I get so worried that we're gonna lose her. I don't mean she's gonna betray the hells, but...ruidus could take her and then i would simply perish.

laudna - before i really get into wtf went down this episode with her and she who must not be named, i gotta say... im worried. very very worried. however, that fireball was objectively the best shit ever.

fcg - i can't even really remember anything stand out abt fcg except what Sam pulled last night so.

chetney - still the heart of the team, still my baby girl, still my favourite. love him to bits.

orym - i think laudna is going to beat his ass one of these days and im... even more concerned about that after this episode. his nana morri powers are cool as fuck tho... does that make him a warlock now? i know he isn't multi-classing but wouldn't that be cool

ANYWAY WE'RE ON THE FUCKING MOON AND WE GOT MOON LORE AND EVERYTHING WAS SHITTY THEN FUN THEN SHITTY THEN FUN AGAIN THEN REALLY FUCKING SAD THEN IT ALL WENT TO SHIT AGAIN.

the moment imogen reached out to ruidus and matt mentioned that she could sense where other ruidusborn were i fucking knew that otohan was high tailing it in their direction, and i thought they instinctively knew that too but they probably got so distracted.

we were travelling for hours and had a huge fight that almost got them captured (not to be confused with the OTHER two fights that almost got them captured) and I was begging and screaming and crying for them to get a long rest safely hidden away AND THEN THEY SPLIT THE PARTY WITH BARELY ANY SPELL SLOTS OR HIT POINTS AFTER BEING DRAINED FROM ANOTHER BATTLE WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM

(Sidenote, the willmaster really opened up the door to the further increase in moral pondering in a certain number of hellians. i do think using the harness is disgusting and hypocritical, but i don't condemn them for it, it just...makes me wanna vomit thinking abt what ludinus did with it. not to mention the HUNGER parallels between laudna and ludinus...its just not good yall. also??? objectively funny that fcg seemed weirded out by the idea of killing the willmaster, not just with the harness but in general, considering how many people they've killed up to this point)

idk if its just the inherent terror that an evil old hot lady can inspire that makes otohan so much more terrifying to me than ludinus. like, objectively, ludinus is a worse threat and could wipe them out EASILY but jesus otohan is like the damn reaper to me. it's the trauma from the laudna, fearne, orym massacre mixed with the underlying little drop from their uthodurn romp that let us know that resurrection spells are NOT working and idk if that got fixed bc of time passing or distance from the leylines but i really did not want to test that shit out in real time

thank...god that sam riegel is a damn genius player, that banishment of fcg and fearne was the ONLY reason fcg survived. and thank GOD FOR KEYLETH BECAUSE WITHOUT THAT CLOUD SPELL BELLS HELLS WOULD BE VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY DEAD RN.

God, "otohan has us. run." is going to haunt me just as much, if not more than the almost tpk. it just...shot me straight back to bassuras and the plan to run that just...immediately fell apart.

god fcg truly could have died there. and fearne would be captured. i know the hells would be too stupid and too brave and too loyal to leave fearne with otohan in their cloud form but can you imagine a world where fcg was gone, fearne was captured and the hells had to switch from recon to rescue... itd be stressful but pretty fun.

thankfully it didn't come to that and some good came from the shit.

ruidus is so beautiful. i was worried they'd end being trapped under ruidus while they explored (not that I wasn't on board with the detours, I wish this wasn't a time sensitive mission), but matt's imagery of the fossilized elven structure and garden made me sad but also happy that we got to see it.

i cannot believe that the stupid plan to shove fearne up a water hole happened AGAIN and it ended up with us FINDING A BACK HOLE TO RUIDUS GOD I LOVE THESE CHUCKLEFUCKS WHEN IS THE NEXT EPISODE MATT YOU CANNOT DO THIS TO ME. WHERE EVEN ARE THEY??? IS IT EVEN EXANDRIA???? WHAT DO WE DO IF IT IS EXANDRIA??? WHERE DID THIS HOLE EVEN COME FROM???? DOES IT CLOSE AND REOPEN??? IS IT STAGNANT?????? IS IT FUCKING STABLE?!?!?!?!?!

God...we could go back to keyleth and the others and actually invade ruidus without encountering the ruby vanguard. (that's if they're alright because otohan did go out onto the battlefield and we don't know what fhe fuck she did when the illusion fell through)

GOD. IS IT THURSDAY YET??? WE HAVENT EVEN FOUND THE RESISTANCE????

#critical role #cr3 #bells hells #critical role campaign 3 #c3 #critical role c3 #critical role spoilers #imogen temult #ashton greymoore #cr laudna #laudna #orym of the air ashari #chetney pock o'pea #fcg critical role #cr spoilers #fearne calloway #c3 e85 #cr3 ep85

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suffarustuffaru · 1 year ago

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Looking at your past art has me really loving your drag king Natsumi, do you have any more thoughts on them? I'd love to hear them. Also just your genderbend ideas in general. They are very interesting!

for future reference, here is where i drew some drag king natsumi + sapphic ottosuba :) i definitely plan on making more genderbend au content in the future thats for sure! :o i have another older art post on this here also (i am. too lazy to find it rn but its there somewhere!!) but i have some in depth thoughts about fembaru for sure yes :3 ty for finding my genderbend ideas interesting!! :D !! id be happy to talk about them more :o

im gonna start with outward design stuff / gender presentation first!! :D bc in my head, afab subaru probably looks almost exactly the same. in general, canon subaru’s most likely at least a little androgynous (and i think he probably is judging off of how much he passes as the opposite sex!!), and we know hes got his dad’s spiky black hair and his mom’s mean eyes and general facial shape, has a long torso, that sort of thing, so i think afab subaru would look similar :o

plus i like to treat fembaru as basically just the mirror/foil/inverse of canon amab subaru anyway, so yep natsumi schwartz is gonna be her male persona!! canon amab subaru was mistaken as a girl when he was a child, and he also went to high school (iirc it was high school but at the very least he was about the same age he is during arc 1) for three days as natsumi yes and passed for three days. iirc he would put on the girl’s uniform and wig and stuff on the way to school and out of his parents’ view and then put on the male uniform and take off the wig before he got home!! plus you know he’d generally practice makeup most likely and wig styling and all sorts of things in private.

so definitely afab subaru is doing similar stuff but in the opposite direction now—looking more masc and presenting as a boy. while amab subaru can put on and take off a wig, in my head, afab subaru would probably have to have shorter hair. so one day she just got a haircut thats short enough to where she could style it masculinely but longer enough to where it could still be kinda considered feminine enough!!

im not 100% sure how to draw her hair yet but in my earlier post and a few of my sketches it kinda looks like either a long mullet/wolfcut or a messy bob :3 i think you could probably say that her hair looks more like a wacky bob when shes more feminine and a wolfcut when shes styling it more masculinely?

(^^ my take on fem wrathbaru is here also LMAO)

i also base my fembaru design off of canon natsumi!! with the side bang (though i sometimes draw it on the wrong side akdnd)!! meanwhile fembaru’s male natsumi would have canon amab subaru’s hair :) (which you can see in my earlier post as well!!)

(i like this illustration actually <3)

i also like to hc that on top of subaru wanting to look and act more like his dad in canon, he did also kinda want to resemble his mom when hes presenting more femininely :o also for genderbend aus it depends on whether you ONLY want to genderbend subaru or if you wanna genderbend everyone along with subaru too, that sort of thing. i like to play with both possibilities :o

but in general, i like the idea of subaru either way trying to honor both her mom and dad. maybe to subaru her mom is what an ideal woman should be perhaps, and her dad is the ideal man, bc subarus parents are her biggest role models, so she tries to emulate both at different points in her life. she tries to be the perfect soft sweet girl like her mom and it doesnt work. she leans into being a bit of a delinquent and it doesnt work. then she cuts her hair and learns to present more masculinely and tries to copy her dad only to fail again. :((( then she gets isekaied……

i feel like afab subaru might get a bit more shit for getting into trouble too :(( or for being too loud. shes not very traditionally ladylike, i think!! boys will be boys and of course your daughter takes after you, kenichi, but dont you think shes a little too rough around the edges now?

anyway otherwise in general, i also like the idea that over the course of each arc in the fantasy world, subaru grows her hair out!! and once its long enough she can put it into a ponytail like her mom again :,)))

(male rem is here too <3)

also i like to give fembaru the maid dress instead of the butler outfit!!! probably not with the garter and stuff but 😭😭 its a pretty dress and fembaru should get to express herself both masculinely and femininely :3 in my head, i think subaru would be shy bc AGHH THIS DRESS IS SO REVEALING THERES NO WAY ID LOOK GOOD IN THIS IM NOT PRETTY AT ALL and rem and ram (genderbent or not) are probably like nonsense just try the dress. its your uniform to work here. and subaru does and huhhhh. maybe i dont look half bad ? :,) (bc of course subaru’s insecurities either present themselves the same or slightly different when genderbended). and of course when rem and ram warm up to subaru eventually ram can be like “you dont look as bad as i thought youd look” or something and rem can be like “subaru-kun youre very beautiful anyways!!!! <3”

and also i do think subaru would cut her hair a bit again or style it different for natsumi adventures later in arc 7 <3 just to have that symmetry again. the situation probably might go a little different but yep this is how id handle it 👍

and of course you can give subaru the canon natsumi hair bow sometimes when shes feeling fancy :3

OKAY and now im gonna talk about more character stuff!! lets talk about subarus whole thing with isekai and genre savviness and all that.

one of canon subaru’s many many Many parts making him up as a character and making up his story in general is a deconstruction of the isekai genre!! power fantasy and characters being cardboard cutouts for the male mc to triumph without a struggle—that sort of thing. but afab subaru is a female lead now, and female isekai is different.

id have to do way more research into this and watch more female isekai and shoujo and stuff (ive been Really wanting to watch im in love with the villainess…… someday i will…..). buuut from what ive noticed so far it seems like for male lead isekai the fantasy here is the Power and Prestige, but female lead isekai’s fantasy seems to be the Romance!! not that you cant have OP abilities in female lead isekais and not that every isekai is 100% the same of course. but that seems to be the common tropes from what ive seen so far? male isekai protags have girls throwing themselves at him as trophies, female lead isekais have their male romantic interests and the evil evil villainesses are defeated somehow and perfectly out of the way <3 the fantasy is that youll be loved by The One—the perfect boy(s) <3

and i think amab subaru is less likely to check out much female lead isekai but i think itd be fun if afab subaru would probably focus on female lead isekai but also a bit on male lead isekai as well!! she wants that absolute path to glory AND love. (and ahahhahahaha please ignore the gazillion ikemen anime figurines in her room hahahahahhahhahahahah AND DEFINITELY IGNORE THE SILVER HAIRED ONES. ESPECIALLY THE ONLY GIRL FIGURINE SHE HAS THATS BEEN GATHERING DUST UNDER HER BED—)

but also bc i think amab subarus more likely to go nah i wont look at girly media while maybe afab subarus like godddddddd i want instant OP abilitiessssssssssss and godddddddd i want hot girls around m—WHAT. WHAT. WHO SAID THAT WHO SAID THAT—

anyway so subaru gets isekaied and shes like SWEEETTT A NEW BEGINNING AWAY FROM NOT BEING ABLE TO MEET EXPECTATIONS HAHAHAHAHA IM THE ISEKAI PROTAG!!! THIS IS AWESOME!!! (is about to get her shit rocked). and shes like ooooh do i have any abilities (nope) and oooohhhhhh shit do i have a villainess. AM I THE VILLAINESS???? no way right. anyway lol wheres the ikemen who’ll ill marry one day. the ikemen that falls in love….. with a commoner……… like myself teehee… and they get married…… and the villainess is CONQUERED….

anyway so what im saying is. ………….fembaru is a femcel. AND a pick me. AND a disaster bisexual. you could practically imagine a vine boom after each of those.

i think the biggest most important to me with genderbend aus is keeping the humanity of the characters the same the best i can!! and fembaru is STILL subaru, of course shes fucking cringe!! of course shes got a heart of gold but its under layers of cringe!!! of course shes a nerd who doesnt have any friends at first and trips and stumbles through all the shit being thrown her way!!

also if male subaru is bi then so is fem subaru okay. we’re equal opportunity here. and also amab subaru has issues with his masculinity and uhhhh slight things with women (see: his boob comments in season 1…….. subaru i love you but cmon man). so. afab subaru i think has got a terrible case of internalized misogyny / homophobia / PROBABLY SOME COMPHET TOO LMFAO 😭😭

i think general plot beats (whether its only genderbending subaru or genderbending everyone) goes mostly the same but again, slight differences. im gonna go with only subaru being genderbent atm bc thatd have more differences i think :o

yes ok so subaru’s gonna see reinhard and go GASPPP oh my god. pretty ikemen. ohhhhhh oughhhhh hes so pretty. hes clearly main lead material… ohhhh what do i do ive never talked to people in so long and hes so PRETTY FUUUCKKKKK BUT I DONT WANNA BOTHER HIM EITHER AND PUT HIM IN DANGER. um um um um mmumimimm HE CLOSED THE DISTANCE BETWEEN US TOO???? what the hell what the fuck what the fuck shit shit um think THINK SUBARU THINK YOU HAVE CHARM RIGHT?? YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU CAN CHARM A HOT GUY. ARGGHHH— *explodes*

but also subaru sees emilia and gets that “do i wanna be her or be with her” feeling 😭😭 bc emilias so….. cute…. pretty… and NICE TOO?? WITH A FUN PERSONALITY??? SHIT SHES GOT EVERYTHING!! she went out of her way to save me 🥺🥺 and im just dragging her down 😔😔 BUT FUCKKKK I HATEEEE HOW GOOD SHE IS. and then :,)))) theyre both dying in the warehouse… and the first time subaru feels the touch of another girl in a more intimate light is her and emilia holding hands as they die…………….

SO YEAH THEN SUBARU RBDS :,,)))) so like. do you get what im saying. emisuba and remsuba and satella are subaru’s first sapphic heartbreaks and heartaches. muahahaha!!!! insert more evil laughter here!!!! bc since subarus a girl her relationships with emisuba and remsuba are definitely gonna be perceived (both by other people and rem emilia subaru) more so as friendships first and foremost.

so….. subarus getting the codependent homoerotic teenage friendship bright and early HAH. but i cannot blame her!! i too would go insane if i was put in a new unfamiliar world and i met this cute girl i was both jealous of and a little into and then we both died and the last thing i felt was searing pain and her soft fingertips!!! i too would go insane if i thought this maid was my friend but then she tortured me and—and—

but yeah you know how amab subaru has his whole weird complex bromances with reinhard and julius and otto?? now itll be like that but with emilia (the julius and reinhard…) and rem (the otto….). emilias the girl subaru’s having “do i wanna be her or be with her” weird rivalry shit with (subaru’s internalized misogyny probably also adding to this bc Obviously theyre rivals) and rem’s the girl who brutally betrays subaru personally (worlds worst homoerotic teenage friendship breakup of all time 😭😭) but then she later becomes subaru’s loyal best friend???? crazy shit.

and like emilia and rem are totaaally villainesses in subaru’s way (except emilias sweet af and misjudged by the entire world and subaru doesnt have the heart to fight rem and also shes chugging copium and trying not to think about failed loops. or about her gay feelings). toxic yuri is toxic yuri-ing. subaru doesnt wanna be explicit about it….. emilia isnt sure of her feelings other than stuff like caring a lot abt subaru… and rem is. Rem. so theyre all in gay situationship limbo HAH.

also as an afab person too rip subaru for also having periods while the whole world is ending on repeat 😭😭 LMFAOO. im sure theres medieval fantasy remedies though (and rem is 1000% spoiling subaru on her period)

also no one can tell me that echidna and rem WOULDNT still be into subaru as much as they are in canon. subaru regardless of gender fascinates echidna and her greed. subaru regardless of gender is someone rem will grow very very attached to. and if anything, rem would get way more bold with afab subaru.

bc the thing with female relationships is that i feel like theres a higher level of intimacy that you gotta go to for it to be considered more romantic or homoerotic. with guys it could be like holding hands and other people might be like WOAH THATS GAY, but if girls do the same thing its like aww youre such good friends. i think rem would take advantage of her and subaru being the same sex and she’d probably keep trying like “hey um um wanna cuddle together?? in the same bed?? and bathe together teehee?? i can help do your hair and dress you up? and make lots of cute dresses for you ? :) <3 🥰 and i can even massage your bo—I MEAN YOUR BACK. YOUR BACK!!” or it’ll be like. rem gets a little too happy that her and subaru’s periods get synced up or something 😭😭 shes Not Normal (and unfortunately subarus probably a little too into that)

also unfortunately the other time a girl touched subaru intimately was satella squeezing her heart :(((( and hahahah between that and rem and emilia and later echidna…. ohhhh poor subaru and her terrible toxic yuri 😭😭 her sapphic experiences and experiences with women have not been 1000% great.

but also of course subaru is so very not normal. you have the canon typical “lol every memory is a good one <3 even rem torturing me teehee <33” and also i just think itd be funny if you as an audience is lead to believe subarus jealous of emilia and rem’s boob sizes and no. no shes just gay. shes GAY.

and stuff like everything going on with julius and otto gets recharacterized too. bc subarus a girl and the guys are guys its probably gonna get perceived more both in and out of universe in a more. Quite Literally Straightforward light. esp bc subaru’s still gonna be into reinhard and julius lbr HAH.

i want arc 3 to still be an absolute fucking disaster with fembaru. let fembaru be flawed and ugly!!!! so in my au thoughts here itd be like. subaru feels jealous and threatened by lots of people. emilia, though its subsided a bit after becoming friends and after learning a bit more abt emilia as a person. but also i think subaru could feel so so jealous of the royal candidates!! esp crusch priscilla anastasia even though subaru will 1000% think theyre bitches at first during arc 3. bc theyre such strong determined women who seem way more confident than subaru herself is…. and also im sure there’ll be complex thoughts from her on felix too bc crossdressing… gender presentation… is a complex thing for subaru.

and subaru with julius is like. “get away from emilia!!!! shes mine!!! shes MY best friend that im homoerotically codependent on and obsessive of!!!! and also youre just trying to steal reinhard’s ikemen male lead spot huh!!!!! bastard!!!! (i hate that youre so pretty too)” and everything of course blows up in subaru’s face. im sure at some point in the story subaru might get slutshamed for having all these connections to people and romantic threads (especially since shes afab) but also its like. wow shes such a stupid girl lol causing a racket.

and uh being a man beating up a girl looks a little worse due to gender roles and stuff but lot of the knights are still gonna want to go after subaru and julius is still gonna want to save subaru. :,,)))) arc 3 emisuba breakup….. worlds worst sapphic breakup of all time…. and later rem will be the one that got away also :(((((

but yeah i think in general this subaru’s connections would be a little more. subtexty with the girls bc she’d be more hesitant to be explicit. but a bit more explicit with the guys bc itll be easily perceived as romantic in and out of universe. and of course subaru i think will be flustered in different ways between the girls vs guys—with the girls its OHH GOD I CANT BE GAY I CANT BE GAY NOOOOO I HAVE A RIVALRY!!! IM SO JEALOUS OF THEM!! BUT. BUT I LIKE THEM!! OHH GOD. with the guys its OH NO. GOOD LOOKING GUYS???? FML. FML!!!!! WHERES MY MAIN CHARACTER CHARM??? HOW DO I TALK TO GUYS???? JULIUS STOP MAKING FUNNOF ME!!! >:(((

also brief note on otto bc things are probably gonna go different here qkdnd. like i definitely am of course of the opinion that otto fell in love with subaru. in every damn arc in every damn main route otto side content hes getting unhinged over subaru in a way that i think makes a little less sense if you dont view it as otto just Not Being Normal About Subaru in a perhaps vaguely homoerotic way. Possibly? Maybe? Schrodinger's relationship blues.

but subarus afab now!! and ottos still a guy!!! and reinhard and julius are friendly with subaru right, but at around arc 4 things they dont show explicit romantic interest. (i think arc 5-6+ julisuba and juliemisuba would be 👀👀👀 though.) but otto?? in a universe where subaru is a girl??? well now its more acceptable for him to be grow openly head over heels for subaru. but also its probably also more pathetic bc now its probably gonna be more obviously taken by others as otto having a Romantic crush on subaru. regardless of whatever otto's feelings are.

and subarus had her arc 3 development right. but here its like. you wanted a male character who’d fall in love with you and be loyal to you and do Anything for you???? here you go!!! but also given otto is Like That and gets worse by arc 7-8 i think hes gonna seem a bit more sinister. not that canon otto with canon subaru isnt sinister but theres different connotations to male otto paired with female subaru. bc it sort of follows straight dark romance rules, right, with the cunning possessive male love interest and the female protagonist…

i doubt anything explicit would go on between otto and subaru in an au like this bc 1. otto and his avoidant attachment LMFAO and 2. subaru and her issues also and 3. subaru in main route is Not as into otto to the same extent or degree otto is HAH.

and fembarus probably like. i think itd be funny if she was a little disappointed otto wasnt a girl 😭😭😭 but then later hes weird about crossdressing and shes like why dont you wanna do it huh 👁👁👁👁 why are you weird about it 👁👁👁👁 im staring at your glass closet right now—

and also its like. “WHY ARE YOU THE FIRST BOY TO ACTUALLY BE IN LOVE WITH ME WHAT???” which i think is hilarious but i also think it could be fascinating in terms of playing with gender!! bc otto may want to be in control of things, but hes also so subservient to subaru anyway. otto and subaru are both androgynous; otto can pass as a girl and subaru can pass as a boy. if you wanna simplify things further you could also explain this as—otto is a man who looks like a woman who’s pledged his servitude to a woman who looks like a man. very intriguing imo!!

but of course ottosuba power dynamics are Always shifting over and over like a game of tug of war, but the most common thing is that otto will bow his head to subaru but under the surface ottos trying to be in charge. that sort of thing!! and the idea of male otto servicing female subaru is an idea rezero ao3 seems to like also but :,) lets just say its not fully to my taste haha :,,))

and otto is definitely not gonna beat up subaru’s ass so easily this time around bc itd look so bad and he’d know that lmfao 😭😭

but i think theres a lot of potential to play around with gender roles and such with all of these dynamics!! im very passionate about making my genderbend au ideas as wild and layered as possible :o !!

this is all my main ideas atm (and id love to draw stuff like more drag king natsumi or fem reinsuba :) ) but yes i hope this all makes sense :D !! thanks for reading this far and thanks for the ask!!

#rezero #re:zero #natsuki subaru #uhh should i tag the others….. i guess so #reinhard van astrea #julius juukulius #emilia #rem #otto suwen #ask #gender au #genderbend #save for later #i need to write or draw more stuff on this eventually :<<

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ureverygirltome · 26 days ago

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and the way my ex would insinuate i may be autistic or nd in some way like disguised in a familiar kinda joking way yk.. but then wpuld also called me the r word all the time lmao💀and stupid and idiot and then misogynistic slurs and always iterations of saying I am not sane or rational to discredit me and shoot me down in arguments every single time. and also the way he lacked empathy for like any thing I struggled with

like yeah it's not ur partners job to be the solution to ur mental struggles or behaviors but they shld have basic empathy for u and understanding and also not want to like. harm you lmao. Like I would shut down a lot during any high emotion moments or serious arguments conversations etc and it was not on purpose at all and I wasn't trying to give him the silent treatment yk. like I physically felt like I could not speak and would freeze up and stare at the ground or wall and be dissociated from my body LOL. and like...

obviously its not a healthy reaction or fair to ur partner if u can't have vulnerable dialogue w them etc BUT like... the way he went abt it was so odd to me. like 0 empathy. bc yk, ig at first when that started happening to me very early on to the relationship hed kinda just keep pushing and try to just ignore the dissociating behavior and still continue the argument or conversation. but then after a bit he put his foot down abt it and was saying it's fucked up of me to just make him put up with my shut downs.

and like, ok u could def be frustrated and tell me but it really didn't feel like there was any empathy at all in retrospect??? and I was so fucking removed from my own body and mind I didn't like... realize I was dissociating rlly and I couldn't name that experience and like in hindsight it's kind of fucking scary I guess to me. like rn bc that happens to me sometimes in daily life (&also conflict albeit i don't have much interpersonal conflict these days but it does happen if i do w like my family). much less severely tho but whenever I realize I'm falling into that it's a scary experience bc I don't want to dissociate or feel like im not real.

but it was SOOOO intense and severe when I was w my ex bc he probably triggered me so hard and felt unsafe so my body would shut down and obv I also have issues from my family upbringing but like. he definitely contributed to that unsafe survival mode instinct I guess. and idk its so fucking lame that... he wasn't concerned for me at all i guess? I mean maybe he was idk this was a very long time ago like 2021 fall. but it really didn't feel like it.. I never felt like he was there for me or empathizing with that. it was just like, "this behavior u do is personally detrimental to me and also a fucked up thing ur doing TO ME and u need to fix it" kind of vibe

and its sad and like ugh that I accepted that kind of shit and how he made me feel but at the time I couldn't name that feeling either. but realizing I felt so unheard and unsafe and on edge around him at times. its hard to grapple w that now like knowing I was so removed from my life and what was happening to me and what feelings I had :/ and so like, after he expressed his frustrations abt my shut downs as we called them ig... I wanted to work on it so badly and the thing is like.. I did lol

I was not a great communicator at that time and I really tried so hard to work on it for him~ and bc he was basically like.. upset with me for all these things I was doing and in my mind ofc I don't want to upset my partner or have an unhealthy behavior that hinders or harms the relationship. but like.. that mindfulness and accountability ? ig was not reciprocal at all since he never shared the same willingness or action to improve or stop behaviors that were harmful to me bc he rarely ever admitted fault or took accountability. even tho he claimed he did

so I would force myself to make eye contact to not slip into that dead state and I tried sooo hard and if I'd like, slip up or regress like ie he'd make me look at him and would snap his fingers in my face or clap his hands in my face like I'm a dog. or he'd say loudly DONT DISSOCIATE. like its insane bc who does that. why do u lack basic human empathy for ur partner who was clearly not well and trying.. and smth that was not intentional at all like it was a TRAUMA RESPONSE. and he made it sm worse 😭 like literally if my eyes wandered to the side for a second he would talk to me like im a child he's ordering around or an animal and condemn me for it like omg ur insane xo

and yeah there's so much more but. its just crazy I put so much effort and energy towards improving myself and correcting unhealthy behaviors and "managing my feelings and reactions" like I was the sole problem even though literally I was not and if I'd been with a normal person w a normal amt of empathy and maturity and kindness who treated me like a person I would not be acting that way at all probably

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nolongerapileofashprobably · 2 years ago

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First Impressions (will be adding as I play)

DOMESTIC ZELINK THEH ARE SO FUCKING CUTE (like PLS he is such a gentleman and is still a short king, we stan— and Zelda always worried about him 🥺)

Link lost an arm to protect Zelda. My guy sets a HIGH BAR

Once I fully understand zonai devices it’s over for you bitches

Rauru my main man gets a love interest. What a dude

NOOOO NOT THE WAY THE MASTER SWORD GOES TO ZELDY IN THE PAST IM SO AHSJKDJSBAHSJZ I MISS FI SO MUCH

yo Hyrule be lookin DIFFERENTT AND OMG EVERYONE IS LOOKING FOR ZELDA AND LINK

Fucking SHOOT ME IT WOULD BE LESS PAINFUL THAN SEEING HOW MUCH EVERYONE CARES ABOUT THEM LIKE ????? GODDDDDD

DID A TREE JUST FUCKING ATTACK ME WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF SHIT IS THIS those scrubs really upped themselves ig

TULIN MY CHILD IVE NEVER BEEN SO EXCITED THAT IS MY SON!!!!!! THATS MY BOY!!!!! lol I love that the game points you towards Rito first bc no matter what the game wanted me to do, I was going to Rito village first bc I wanted to see all my CHILDRENN

Where the FUCK is Kass.

Not me avoiding both the entire East portion of the map in preference of going to Gerudo to see Riju

YOOOOO GIBDOS????? Need the suns song

OH LIGHTNINGGGGGG interesting I am DIGGING THIS and we get to go into Gerudo without disguise???? BANGERRRRRRR

I want my HORSE 🥲 silence my trusty white stallion where art thou

I’ve made it to Hateno and I’m fucking sick of these Koroks, like get up you lazy tree spirit are you fucking KIDDING me

ZELDA’S HOUSE!!!!! IS!!! THE!!!! HATENO!!!! HOUSE!!!! THEY LIVED TOGETHER!!! We been knew but OH MY GOD ITS SO FUCKING OBVIOUS WITH ALL THESE IMPLICATIONS. HIS HAIR TIE. THENEW TUNIC. THE KIDS DRAWING OF ZELDA. I AM GOING FERAL THEY ARE SO GODDAMN DOMESTIC

Yo where the FUCK is Kass.

Okay okay I’m having a time with paragliding so I’m just going to do Rito Village’s thing so I can get Tulin’s power

Lmao they’re not gunna kill off the babies like they did with the last champions…. Right?

LOL OKAY OKAY COOL THEY WONT CRISIS AVERTED but MAN I’ve fucked myself bc it is nearly 5a and my sister is coming over at 8a 💀

my HORSEEEE I HAVE MY HORSE BACK yo that is TRULY the best thing I missed my horse so much

Okay now I’m going to do the tears of the dragon quest bc WOOOOOHWEEEEE I miss Zelda

This was a fucking mistake it is 3am and I have to be up in four hours for work and I’m SOBBING bc ZELDA HAS SACRIFICED SO FUCKING MUCH I CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK NINTENDO

At least I have the sword 🥲

I’m loving everyone sending asks and talking to me about this game I love each of you SO MUCH… not as much as I love Tulin and Riju but still LOL

Yo I’m so fucking sad bc of Zelda rn I think I’m just gunna get a shit ton of shrines and explore the depths

THE DEPTHS ARE SO FUN AND COOL!!! I also think I found a temple in eldin ???? COOOOOOOOLLLLL !!!!!

What’s not cool? Yunobo being all macho macho man bruh when that is not the sensitive little Goron I know and love. Marbled rock roast? Sureeee Cuz that’s not suspicious.

Okay I’m going to avoid Zora’s domain and head to the great plateau…. Why the fuck is the Old Man’s Cabin inhabited by the Sheikah what the fuck is this

Okay so the Yiga are just camped out in Akkala too??? Bitches. Next thing you know Kohga is alive and in the depths LMAO

Now I’m going to Zora’s Domain bc it’s my last pit stop before I actually continue the story LOL… scratch that Imma head to Tarrey Town and see how the fam is doin! And !!! Hudson has a daughter!! Guess that answers my question as to how long it’s been between games lmao

I keep procrastinating Zora’s Domain OOOOFT but I’ll go there now for reals—Sidon is engaged??? Man was like “Omg bestie it’s been forevs btw this is my fiancé” like damn okay how long has it been since Link went to Zora’s domain

I’ve been searching for Kass and I’m having major doubt atp 🥲 I want my beloved songbird back

OKAY DUNGEON TIMEEEEE Imma do Yunobo and while I know it wants me to save Riju for last I simply cannot stay away for long so I’ll go there next!

Yo these temples are fire I got majorly concerned with the Wind Temple but it genuinely makes sense to have a more familiar groundwork for players to begin with that’s just different enough that you notice so it prepares you for the more complex classic Zelda dungeon twist the rest of them have

I’m annoyed all of their abilities require me like ‘asking’ their spirits rather than having a function button to summon it at will

Except for tulin bc he is my child and all is forgiven. And Riju bc she’s pretty and I love her

DID I FUCKING MANIFEST KOHGA BEING ALIVE AND IN THE DEPTHS?????? BITTTTCCCCHHHHHH I thought these people be straight up loyal but nah he ain’t dead, just chillin in the depths

Yo I thought I was at the end of the game but nope I find out that the Zelda I’ve been chasing is a puppet WOW who would have guessed 🙃

BUT THE WAY GANONDORF WAS LIKE “using her made it so easy to lure you into traps” like my man KNOWS

Okay okay fifth Sage down and now I’m going to the Hyrule castle chasm

Was no one going to tell me this might be difficult bc I’m just tryna sneak through but that ain’t happening LOL

I’m going to shower and eat dinner and THEN I’ll beat the game

Oh my god we back at the place we started I LOVE FULL CIRCLES

I’m going to fucking sob this has been such a good fight!!! Getting to use the master sword the entire time >>>>>

(Even though i legitimately used a lynel bow and bombs to deal most of my damage to Ganondorf… don’t judge me I am ✨strategic✨ and I only managed fo do real damage if I did arrows, arrows, dodge dodge dodge, flurry rush, backpedal it up)

ZELDA BEING MY HOMIE IN THIS DRAGON FIGHT WE LOVE TO SEE IT !!! She makes me so happy she went straight for Link to save him bc that’s simply instinct

🥹🥹🥹🥹IM SOBBING THIS IS SO FUCKINNNNGGGGGGGGGGGG THIS IS SO GOOD I LOVE HER AND I LOVE THAT WE GET TO DIVE AFTER HER AND ACTUALLY CATCH HER 🥹🥹🥹

Lifting her out of the water… Zelda waking up to the feeling of a warm loving embrace… telling Link “I’m home” and that she has “so much to tell” him… I’m going to need another box of tissues bc I be EMOTIONAL

Awe all the sages pledging themselves to Zelda

Link just being a silent supportive boyfriend bc homeslice can and will do everything to protect Zelda (and okay he already did a ceremony for this but let me have my shipper goggles on)

I’m just going to say it. This might be my favorite game. And I’m a diehard Majora’s Mask fan. Like that’s been my favorite for a WHILE. I miss the simplicity for some of the game mechanics but thoroughly enjoy the new creations we can make. I also understand zonai devices now so when Kass comes in the DLC it’s over for y’all

Anyway botw/totk zelink is canon and no one can change my mind

#this is essentially a reaction post now that I think about it #this post has been a week and a few days in the making #worth it def #loz totk spoilers #loz totk #zelink #totk zelink #loz tears of the kingdom spoilers #loz tears of the kingdom

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tojiscrack · 6 months ago

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OKAYOKAY (you don’t have to post it btw if it’s too much i feel like im goning to rant😭)

the party doesn’t start till nine right? we spend the whole day out just hopping store to store (mind you we had the whole day to get costumes) we stop at like two spirit halloweens, five below, and like two walmarts and ofc the mall.

before we went to his house tho we went to the movies row at h terrifier 3 , the last time we hung out we didn’t get to watch it bc this fuck ass movie theater was like “you have to be 21 to take her inside 🧍‍♀️” so we came to a ghetto one so we can see it tg(that was my second time seeing it) okayokay we get to the house, we have two hours to spare so we nap (obviously) THEN WE SUDDENLY HAVE 10 MINUTES TILL THE PARTY? so we’re trying on our face paint and rushing (we just went as dead ppl) his friend gets there to the party and we’re just all chilling down stairs till more ppl get there fr, we had dominos and the roommate sister (we’ll call her Jessica Rabbit bc that was her costume) shows us all these jell-o shots and jello syringes she made. I got to have first pic bc i raised my hand fastest 😼 i got a blue on bc blue is awesome, from there everyone just starts talking a bit yk? the music gets going and we’re all mingling, there was a girl dressed as zoro (reminded me of my @zoropookie LMFAO but she was a dick, acted like those rude popular girls at school who try to be angsty but are just dicks about it) anyway Jessica Rabbit shows these cones she made and i took one not expected it to hit as hard as it did 😭 BUT I MADE A MISTAKE DOING THAT BC THREE HITS IN AND I FELT BLASTED? i finish the rest and start feeling groggy and just overwhelmed. Eventually we end up going inside and i was vibing with this one quiet girl (we were low key quite tg) we don’t know what to do with ourselves, we look around just kinda question things- “couch?” “couch is a good spot yeah” i swore the couch wasn’t as comfy before i got high, we agree it was the best place to sit, then my night kinda starts going south :/ there’s this guy dressed as chucky, he seemed to be on smth else? that or he was just anxious but anyway he sat next to me and was like “so how do yall know ___” i sat there like this 🧍‍♀️ BC I DIDNT KNOW WTF HE SAID?? so i told him “sorry im too high for this rn” and he left to land a caca in a porcelain bowl. I start feeling a little sick so i turn to the girl and said “hey i think k better go lay down” “no pls go lay down if you need to” “i might knock out tbh, it was really dope smoking with you tho” “i agree it was fun, i’ll see you later okay?” after that i walk up the stairs (as im walking i look for my cousin but he was busy playing beer pong) so i just go to the room, he comes up at some point to check on me and sends me a text saying to come down when i want, that he wants me to have fun.

THEN I PASS OUT? i just remember him coming into the room to complain abt how fucked up he got, after that he leaves again, then comes back like an hour later? and he finally goes to sleep but then i’m the one awake :( that’s when i realize i should’ve gone back down bc they started playing good music after i left, i just stayed in the room trying to go back to sleep.

SO it wasn’t all that nice? but i had a good time for the two hours i was actually there. This was nothing compared to the small party he had for his graduation tho.. still kinda upset i didn’t do more yk?

SORRY SORY THIS GOT SO LONG

woah 😨

#don’t apologise for it being long 😭#i waa INVESTED #i’ll never know what it’s like to be buzzed cuz i’m not drinker or a smoker #but i remember being 5 and iconic with the cap from the apple juice carton and throwing it up and back as if i was taking a shot #and i liked to pretend i was drunk at times too 💀#idk why i just did LMFAOO #but wow an eventful day for you #this is how i picture the culture of uni #partying #small get togethers #alcohol and cigs #interesting 🤪#sorry you didn’t have the greatest time tho :(#hopefully this response will soothe you in ways that party couldn’t 😔

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narwhalandchill · 2 years ago

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dhil story leaks/bailu theory situation ramble again, incoherent prolly. do Not take this as an established theory that i fully stand behind bc that 100% clueless in my bio is there for a reason !!!

ok honestly im ngl ive confused myself now after looking at the daniel story leaks again and sleeping on it. bailu theory status is pending its literally schrödingers rn im so torn. does the timeline enable for it or not???? it Would explain some things but hhhhhh i cant make sense of it yet.

at first i was like yeah p sure its not happening bc of the dragon heart fuckery and how baiheng wasnt there for the entire course of events only arriving once shit was going down but. what if. df used the heart partially for resurrecting yx??? and then as baiheng sacrificed herself i do find it curious that they specify only drops of blood and hair remaining of her post-vaporization. which are. classic sources of DNA .

and we know dan feng went berserk with his dragon form so its plausible he temporarily regained the vidyadharas ancient but currently long lost ability to just go fuck all gene splicing manipulate biology and living tissue. that ability + baiheng DNA remains + the dragon heart is just hmm.

another thing i realized that i didnt yesterday is that bailu being recognized as the next imbibitor lunae even if her powers are lacking implies she Has the dragon heart (bc its like. not just A vidyadhara heart its clearly its own thing and a huge deal with a critical role in the continued high elder reincarnation line and longs legacy being passed down). so like its clear dan feng had to pass the dragon heart down to her reincarnation line at some point but as the vidyadhara couldnt get him to budge on the hearts status in the shackling prison i doubt it was anytime after the sedition. the IL position has been passed down its just that it wasnt done properly.

so like im thinking there might actually be two separate resurrections happening consecutively?

first yingxing who is possibly either dead or dying as dan feng initially arrives already but the initial attempt at resurrection goes horribly wrong and an emanator (?) of abundance appears + the arbor activates and leads to things like the toxic mist explosion described by the vidyadhara eggs that kills a lot of vidyadhara and eggs instantly. potential resurgence/triggered plague of people being infected by mara on the luofu? yx potentially becomes marastruck then despite being short-lived? (also if the emanator is literally shuhu then... yeah adds up w blades talent name)

and if yx now marastruck is on a clock for how long he lasts before permanently losing his self i can see that being when df uses the dragon heart to stop the mara from proceeding further through bruteforcing permanence to overpower yaoshis abundance as the core fueling his immortality - which is the basic principle behind the draught of draconic surge and how vidyadhara bone marrow is already confirmed to interact with mara. & this would prolly be when df loses control of his form? both fighting the emanator and trying to desperately help yx in time

n like the thing the storys a bit unclear on is just at what point yx had already acquired that perfected immortality of abundance + permanence. but like he must have by the time baiheng arrives on the starskiff and sacrifices herself right? bc whatever baiheng brought w her (some say lan, some say a stellaron) clearly vaporized everything in the vicinity and was enough to strike down the emanator and/or at least halt the crisis with the arbor and everything. and regular mara struck dont come back from that whereas blades still kicking

so with the like mara/arbor/emanator of yaoshi portion of the seditions initial lead up done i feel like baihengs arrival is when the Actual sedition (in terms of an armed rebellion) begins? with the vidyadhara confused but many who survived the initial stage still choosing to stand with dan feng and fight against the arriving cloud knights and all the abominations of abundance

so would this be when the 2nd resurrection and baiheng possibly becoming that furry-draconic mutant abomination happens?? and also how the position/power of the IL ends up passed down although not properly to then-mutated-baiheng and eventually-bailu by df using the either damaged or outright incomplete dragon heart (if he put most of it in yingxing) in the process.

so like in this scenario the 'sin' that yingxing and dan feng share might also be the decision to go fuck it we ball mess with life and death and biology even further (as if the mass casualties so far werent enough) and resurrect their fallen comrade as the new high elder line except it comes out wrong and horrible and jingliu has to put that beast down.

this would also explain part of where the somber tone in blades voiceline about dan heng comes from - if he still understands that the motivation behind that 2nd resurrection was at least to make amends in some desperate way when all they had available was baihengs DNA, a damaged dragon heart with dan fengs hidden DLC cas9 crispr vidyadhara powers still accessible to him. like theres nowhere near the pained sympathy and shared guilt that the tone in the dh line conveys when he talks about jingliu or jing yuan in comparison. it has to be more complicated than "he made me immortal. NOT a fan 0/5"

anyway dunno if its just me but this just makes the beloved thing even more confusing. on one hand "turning the beloved into a monstrosity" really lines up with how the xianzhou views the mara-struck and blade views himself as like. a bass boosted mara-struck on steroids who literally cannot die unlike normal mara victims. and "the one who buried the beloved is you" doesnt kinda sound right for baiheng when all she left behind was just enough genetic material for dan fengs terrible horrible awful no-good cooking class - not a lot to bury. also burying the beloved fits blades melodramatic inner dialogue style and tone with how he considers yingxing already dead and strictly uses 3rd person towards his past self. but also its hard to argue that what happened to baiheng IF the transmutation resurrection theory is real doesnt also warrant a match for "monstrosity". like bailus cool now but that first mutation sure wasnt. she got changed species with no say on the matter

the ambiguity is strong enough that a part of me wonders if its on purpose for censorship reasons tbh. (not an expert on this and by no means want to imply any proper familiarity with the subject. so like if this is wildly unrealistic or inaccurate its fully on me, lmk and ill delete) setting up a scenario where all the homoerotic subtext is clearly intentional and solidified around yingxing and dan feng but this specifically explicit romantic word used Could be twisted to apply to baiheng too for plausible deniability. this assuming they dont actually end up pulling a secret het love triangle reveal in the end at us hhhh im still kinda paranoid - ill be sad but also honestly assume their hands were forced if that rly is the case :/

also at this point it should be expected (thanks hoyo) but EN tl has inaccuracies and if sth i say here doesnt add up with what EN text suggests its prolly bc ive taken into account some of the commentary on the accuracy on reddit. too lazy to list all specifics but ask if sth pops out at u

anyway im so drained this is all killing me . What happened. yingxing. dan feng. what did you Do.

#hsr #hsr spoilers /#hsr leaks /#rambles

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transrightsjimin · 2 years ago

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yeah my thoughts summed up.

the way so many dumbfucks somehow concluded that the massive amount of worldwide labour shortages since this pandemic started, are due to "people not wanting to work anymore" is mindblowing. you absolute fucking IDIOT?? there are millions upon millions of people with Long Covid, consecutive other illnesses and disabilities, or are dead. i hate work too but how do you conclude that people just happen to simultaneously quit their jobs for fun en masse as if that's even financially possible to do.

we're still in a fucking pandemic and it's only easier to get infected now than before.

the way covid-19 and migitation strategies are rarely even being named by leftists is infuriating. do you know how fucked up it is i had to follow more liberals for info on the pandemic bc way too few so-called leftists stopped caring ab covid within a few months?

and don't get me started on this shithole the Netherlands bc the lack of safety measures and the amount of disinformation has from the start been worse than the most conservative US states, or Alberta in Canada, which i saw often being brought up. i'll never be over when a lot of people from the arts and culture field protested en masse in 2020 against covid measures.

we were told here by our lovely supposedly "expert" (anti-mask and anti-vax) healthcare policy advisors that getting infected is good, especially for kids, that we can't get covid when sitting on a CHAIR, that xyz things without any measures is safe, that you are immune if you got it in the past, that masks don't work, and that if they do it's not the FFP2 (N95) ones somehow.

RIVM kept changing the standards for what are 'safe' levels even though it would've been code red or black if non-adjusted. also various hospitals were forbidden from using face masks and since over a year (for future readers: it's may 2023 rn), infected staff was allowed to work. i was actually jealous in some ways of the US bc i read how medical professionals and shop staff etc actually asked people to keep their mask ON. i've only been asked or pressured by therapists, doctors, nurses, etc to take my mask OFF and they even got pissed bc i asked them to wear one.

also if i get infected i'm really screwed bc there is no paxlovid and there are no long covid clinics in the country. they plan on opening only ONE next year, while in germany there's dozens with each still 9 months of waiting lists bc the demand is high.

my immunocompromised and disabled mom doesn't fucking get it even though she clearly got covid several times with horrible lasting side effects, and my sad doesn't fucking get how testing works and they both believe they're always being safe even though they dont wear masks or she does but takes it off inside somehow.

i went off topic but im just fucking TIRED of how few fucking leftists and people as a whole actually give a fuck abt the pandemic. there is still a 1/5-1/10 chance of getting Long Covid with every infection and there are whole generations growing up with more disability and death than before. you can't fucking go anywhere safely bc ventilation and masking wasn't made a common thing to demand. me and others who advocate for safety measures are being painted off by other leftists as delusional or as liberals or even as "calvinist" which is hilariously false bc my country's culture is the prime example of that and does absolutely nothing ab the pandemic. like YEAH i would love to go to more protests again but it's just not fucking safe with public transport and huge crowds and no one masking up. you can say all you want ab eugenics and capitalism and whatnot but if you don't wear masks and pretend the pandemic is over (strange also bc you know governments ignore every other crisis) and just want the disabled ppl who do stay aware, to stay inside and rot while you can keep making society more unsafe, you're part of the problem.

god and same w LGBT activism. i don't fucking care what you say, if you're anti-mask and carelessly contribute to maskless superspreader events and don't include disabled people, you are just as uncaring as people were about the AIDS crisis.

i'll end my rant here. feel free to share but if anyone argues back youre getting blocked. im fucking tired and i don't know who to trust anymore besides like 3 friends and a few kpop fan mutuals online who also still care ab the pandemic.

#covid 19 #leftist #socialism #communism #ableism #rambles

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choccorin · 5 months ago

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HIHIHI MIRO IM ALIVE AGAIN HIHIHIHIHIGIO KAMUSTA MGA KAYBIGAN 😋😋

i hope youre doing okay pookei ☹️☹️ i know how it feels to not have any close friends irl because im kinda going through that rn !! my old close friends arent really that close w me either and i cant tell them anything actually going on in my life rn, whether or not if its good or bad.

for your classmates i also kinda went through it too but it was more of a bullying scenario </3 it was like ermermerm 2 years ago?? a year ago?? I DONT KNWO BUT naging selos yung mga classmates ko kasi nakukuha ko lahat ng gusto ko. like sorry my parents give me what i want?? i dont force them to i just say i want smth and they give it AND IM AN ONLY CHILD AS WELL? i didnt even flex it to them or anything i genuinely just said “oh my parents got ____ for me!!” and suddenly everyone hated me?? long story short they had a whole groupchat ab hating me and stuff which led to me finding out yadafadda my dad told the principal it got sorted out eventually (it took like TWO MONTHS BC THEY WERENT TAKING US SERIOUSLY) and i just moved schools bc i was planning to way before the situation happened. but genuinely i get what youre going through and hope that your classmates stop w that, you didnt even do anything wrong ☹️ I ALSO FEEL LIKE MY SEATMATE RN IN ONE OF MY CLASSES IS GETTING SICK OF ME. I SWEAR SHE DOES BC SHE KEEPS LOOKING AT ME DIRTY LIKE WHAT DID I DOOOO but we are twinning its okay we will get through this together high five 🙌 HELP

its okay im sure that with christmas/winter break coming up (I THINK I MEAN I HOPE U HAVE A BREAK SOON) it will be okay!! being judged genuinely sucks and no one should go through it, especially you ☹️ if anything THEY should be judged bc they are suckie wuckies and fakie wakies !! ppl are just really mean these days and idk why </3 TRY TO IGNORE THEIR STARES AND KNOW YOURE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG itll end soon i promise

i hope youre feeling better and having a great day rn and know that everyone loves u here and if anything ill use my octopus powers to become the kraken and make all your classmates stop staring and judging you for literally no reason. ill make them sink into the ocean dw 😈�� ILYILYILY TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF 🫶🫶

- 🐙

octo anon hi hi hiii !!! wojeuejeh same same !! the only time we talk is when they message me first :'3 they're also reallyyyy busy so the chances of them replying back is low </3

that's such a low reason to hate on someone .. they hate seeing other people be happy ! they were just jealous of you lol i'm glad it got sorted out though !! i hope your old school takes things like that seriously bcus it can lead to even more conflict if they don't ..

my seatmate doesn't give me mean stares or anything but she keeps turning away from me and everytime i talk to her she seems so uninterested :'3 we really are twins, octo anon 🥹

sa december twenty pa christmas break namin </3 just found that out today sigh, i think may year end party kami pero hindi na lang siguro ako a-attend bcus i'm not even close with my classmates and also, 80% sure ako na hindi ako mage-enjoy </3

i do feel a bit better now ! ( only when i don't see them ), i hope you're having a great day too bff <33 i'll borrow your octo powers when i need it >:] take care of yourself too and always be safe, love ya very much, octo anon !! 🫶🫶🐙🐙

#mailbox!#friends : 🐙 anon

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ppman2009 · 2 years ago

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I think my moms bf is a control freak

okay to start i ( f 14) was hiding my (m 11) friends vape (i know its bad but whatever) and my mom (f 34) found it her boyfriend (m 35) wasnt home (it was the before i was about to go to school) my mom threw it outside so i went to school im assuming while i was at school she told him so when i got home i picked it up i decided to try it (dumb idea) it tasted good so when i went to go pick up my little sister (f 11) and my friends (f 13) and (m 11 ) i hit it not thinking they were watching (they were) then i got grounded i didnt really care but then flash forward to 5 days later i got off my bus and my friend (m 11) was at home (he didnt go to school that day) so me and him went to my house then when i got inside my moms boyfriend was telling my cousin how im such a bad kid and how i vape all the time (lie) and she said she didnt care so i asked him if i could go play with (lets call him E) and my moms boyfriend said not rn maybe later so i waited and my sister got home so i told my grandma (F 61) i was gonna go to hang out with E she said okay so me and my other friend (lets call her T) went to pick up E , E was taking to long to get ready so we went in E's house then out of nowhere i hear my moms boyfriend screaming at me for nothing then when i got home he accused me of trying to get high or vape or even have s*x with E and T (btw im gay and so is E) then he says im not allowed to hang out with E so i say okay idc (btw i still am gonna hang out with E) then he says if i see you hanging out with E im gonna not let you hangout with T (first sign of a control freak) then flash forward 3 days later (yesterday from what day im making this) i was on the bus and obvi i dont want to go pee at school so i got off at the closer stop (i get on 4 blocks away from my house and the stop im referencing is right around the corner kinda close to E's house) btw (E, T, and my sister get off of the bus an hour after me) anyway i had to pee REALLY BAD like really fucking bad then i see his car and i go to wave then he rolls his window down and starts SCREAMING at me bc i was appearently "getting high with E" or "i was vaping again" (keep in mind i wasnt :l) then he said "go home and stand in the corner" of course i didnt cause i had to pee really really bad then i went to my mom and said to her "you need to drop your bitch ass boyfriend" she just stood there ignoring me then he came in screamed at me and said " I SAID TO STAND IN THE CORNER" so i explained to him that after school i need to go pee so i dont want to walk 4 BLOCKS to my house he said "I DONT GIVE A FUCK" so i said "im not pissing myself or developing a bladder problem bc of you" then he said to my mom "do you agree with me (lets call her K)" so obvi she agrees bc hes controlling if you guys ever watched coraline then you know the other mother controls the other father at his point my moms bf is the other mother and my mom is the other father anyway continuing then i go to the 4 block away bus stop with my sister E is there he comes up to me and says "your moms boyfriend (im gonna call him Z) came to my house and asked where my parents are (his dad was on a buisness and his step mom was at work) and said tell your parents K (me) and D's (my sister) DAD (keep in mind hes not my dad never will be my dad is in prison bc he got accused off selling drugs which isnt true bc hes a christian) said hes gonna come over after work ofc he didnt but still hes a fucking control freak hes also hit me to the point where my nose bleeds or my lip is swollen and also keep in mind my mom does nothing and says nothing (also they have recently started drug testing me

#control freak #tw abuse #vaping #vent

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crumble-system · 9 months ago

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☣️ Nyx -im adding the previous tags but now we're home we can like do another reply that has more like brains

This was really sweet whoever sent this, especially for like things that have been going on that like nobody else knows but like this system.

note we're gonna ramble a shit ton so under the cut <3

🧯Conner - We always love asks like these, especially when we don't expect them. But this did cheer us up a good bit.

Especially because we've been bed rotting just a bit because the consequences of not having meds nor therapy rn while having gone through THE horrors of this and last year of having alot of our Hugest trauma of our adolescence just becoming raw again. [this is also why mockingjay, philly & blaze 2 EXIST]

which has led us to just remember alot of the struggles that led us here.

also the many fucking jumpscares (though like all of them went positively and the people who did accidentally jumpscare us have been the best of sports & have VASTLY outweighed the negative of the original terror from being spooked)

🎱Ribs - YEAH I've definely like been told actively by alot of people of how much we like bring light & warmth to our friends and acquaintances. which has helped alot at Not being as like unstable as we would've been elsewise with all the curveballs and twists.

ALSO getting back in contact with people we were worried abt contacting & missed, helped a fuck ton because they'll all been fuckin supportive as hell.

plus telling the one (aka the dude who came into our notes like "idk if u hate me but i miss you and worried abt you" while I WAS literally venting abt missing them & being worried abt them was funny ngl) that like, WOOPS I'm here bcs of you & them being supportive as they can but still learning as a singlet helped <33.

UHHH also like getting SUPER GENUINE love from the people who we were missing and got into contact into with helped A TON. also telling them all parts of the Why Man saga helped & getting like support for what the fuck that lil shit put us thru.

adding that said person whose why I fromed also like helped during what blaze is GONNA probs talk abt

🔥Blaze - ILY BABE (ribs)

OKAY so the person who caused ribs to form, unknowningly has kind of helped me a ton to be able to help the person who got ME to form.

Which like it felt so fucking GOOD being able to do what I did recently to help said person whose why I'm here. I FUCKING improved. I GREW and I CHANGED for THE BETTER.

it's like been so funny seeing like within like a year go from one of the most DISTRUSTED to be in front due to being much more of a Perseuctor/Perpetrator combo AND JUST. Very much ACTING out because nobody in this fuckin system was listening BCS our communication was SHIT.

TO being like one of the most trusted & seen as one of the better protectors & alters to deal with stressful convos and shit to de-escalate things when the going gets ROUGH.

THE PERSON who caused me to form I don't think they REALIZE fully yet that when I said "Yeah, I was actually there for that." I LITERALLY MEANT. I FORMED THERE. AND WE WERE THERE. AND THATS WHY. THAT MEME WAS SO TERRIFYING.

BUT YKNOW HOW IT GOES, I WAS KING. DID GET JUMPSCARED BY THE DUDE CONNER ALMOST WENT TO WHEN RIBS FORMED & WHEN I FORMED NOT TOO LONG AFTER NOT TOO LONG AFTER.

also got jumpscared by THE DUDE who let us into the server where I formed, like a week later... IT WAS just to say "there's a scammer in general" but now i get cursed to see that he's fucking playing roblox now. BCS discord thinks its funny.

so like I have been RIDING the high of helping the person who caused me to form and MAKING SAID PERSON LAUGH. BCS said PERSON deserves to HAVE A GOOD DAY.

☢️ Prodigy/(Doxie) - I AM only in front for a moment to reply to this as for understandable reasons the others dont want me in front rn, and i dont wanna be either

THO I love my friends who knew me when I was still bumbling around as a newbie & the ppl ive met after coming back in EARLY 2024.

we need therapy & meds, and i need to work on myself way more b4 I can be in front for extended periods of time and not at all rn.

🦀Pablo - IM also only in front to write my piece & then peace out because ya im working on my issues too.

the message was kind and love it! ty, me & prod are going back to work on ourselves.

(we are also still working on an apology, just NOT a good time for us to attempt that)

🍋 Gayle - Yeah we've kept moving forward despite everything that's happened in the past, or how much THIS year keeps testing our strength.

like oh my god, ribs, conner and blaze u mfers are so fucking strong. i COULD not do the shit those three have been doing.

i just kind of applaud those three for being brave because they want to protect their found family of friends. AND also being strong enough to talk thru issues and shit with others.

also thank them for helping me with all the FONT bullshit <3

🎃Skull - also thanking them for help w the FONT bullshit, and also ty blaze for not teasing me abt my source once u realized that I had a legit issue with it. and also making that whole party for everyone who looks like one of our abusers, that cheered me up a ton.

🍬Candy - yeah yeah thank you blaze for helping skull be more confident, and also for sitting with me when my other thing I am the holder of gets bad when skull isn't able to. & also like helping for when you blaze, ribs or conner notice when I'm starting that ..down that road..

also ty for the multiple white & blue/blue&white hater party in headspace ribs and blaze. that shit has been fun to work through all that shit.

🌟Philly - YEAH they (as in more the others, the G6 [2015-2019] gang specifically aka Conner, Ribs, Gayle, Prod, Blaze and Nyx) really were really touched by this.

I know they've been going thru a helluva time, it's kind of why I exist. beacuse of the whole, the person who caused ribs to form & the person who caused blaze to form literally jumpscared those guys by posting ACCIDENTAL jumpscares that were close enough TO said EVENTS that they both got worried.

which led to blaze 2 and me splitting off and yknow being here to curse y'all.

UHHH IDK what I have to say abt this because like.. I am sort of apathetic, and just NOT emotional. think like coping shit + like latching onto my source being specifically Philly in (CRAB MAN SERVER). which kind of got their emotions removed.

🧲Blaze 2 - <333 iDK WHAT 2 SAY MYSELF.

the others DID really well. BUT we have been celebrating our acomplishments, THO more like privately. because god i cannot tell any of yall how fucking much the others and generally the system want to be LOUD and PROUD for how far they've come

Along with HOW much they just wanna say HOW MUCH they love the ppl they consider friends OUTLOUD AND PUBLIC, THEYRE just very much dealing with RSD and BPD BEING BITCHES.

SO they've been subdueing themselves even more, even if they wanna do it. ALSO bcs they wanna respect ppls boundaries, it's why they're NOT saying CERTAIN NAMES. OF PPL THEY LOVE.

ribs though blaze classic is done making fun of your whole CLOWN ACT abt seeming like you hated ppl but in reality you genuinely missed them though weren't letting yourself say that bcs you did not want to seem weak and were dealing with paranoid of others trying to hurt them just to get to us.

im not, im saying it outloud MF. you don't get to just tell sweetfinlet abt it. GET EXPOSED FOR ALSO BEING A LOVER.

🐦Mockingjay - THEY'VE BEEN CELEBRATING A TON OF THEIR VICTORIES.

👑Waldemar- HELL YEAH handshake, im joining you im exposing blaze proper.

clarity abt the vents is that alot of reprocessing of old events had to happen because the censored person triggered alot of alters heavily enough that they regressed & Lost access to the Full truth of the past

Very much they had to process things in a way very similar the Psychonauts 2 Level, "Psi King's Sensorium"

With the whole Confirmation Bias, Law of association, Confabulations, and just the memories were twisted.

This person also Accidentally began to use alot of tactics that older abusers & toxic ex-friends would use on us in the past, as they were Way more dependent on us than we were on them and in a misguided effort for connection they attempted to make us more dependent on them.

(or at least we hope it was accidental, that's what we want to believe. despite it all.)

Also the censored name is not crab man bluzombie nor why man willie. It's censored as despite it all we don't want ppl to find nor attack that ex-friend, they're Not worth the effort.

THERE'S A BUNCH OF WIP POETRY THEY'VE BEEN DOING SINCE 2023 and HAVE working ON pUTING IN A VIDEO. TO SHOW THEY LOVE THEIR FRIENDS

ITS SAPPY AS SHIT. IDC IF THEY CALL ME HOMOPHONIC.

🎆Flare - (I WAS BLAZE 2 BEFORE THE OTHER ONE, BUT NO BLAZE LETS HIM BE BLAZE 2 BUT I HAVE TO BE FLARE IM STILL PISSED)

I'm stealing this from MJ but...

I LOVE THEM, BUT THEY'RE A MESS. THIS SYSTEM IS KIND OF MY FOUND FAMILY OF IDIOTS.

THEY'rE CRYING OVER ONE OF THE POETRY THEY ALL WROTE FOR THAT. THIS IS A NEWER ONE.

"As I always wanted as a kid, to hang with people ; friends to just

Talk together for hours, or just exist silent as we both do our own things

Go on adventures with

Dispell eachothers worries with

Be not just seen, but also accepted whole heartedly

...

And I've found those people

Even for some it took some time to realize they were still there"

🌤️Mr A - Everything eventually will be okay, and that's what keeps us going. Also spite. Alot of spite.

Love keeps us going more though, we are filled with love always.

🧃Sour - I AM still GETTING uzed 2 being here again, ESP with the huge party we GOT now. BUt yea this is sweeettt. felt like i should say somethin

🍐Wasabi - YEAH this is NICE. I like the ENERGY we've been getting, this is why I keep refusing to leave front BUT im too shy to talk to the nice ppl we've been around. </3. im still halted by these haunting memories but im getting stronger, I will be as annoying if not MORE annoying than the others. u hear me

🍾Sparkling - I don't front as much these days as I'm helping with headspace matters but <3 this was nice.

🌝Allie - I just wanted to :3333, i have nothing to actually add. I'm just a special uwu. i need attention.

🕹️First- idk im dancing. ik we need to do owed art but that's a tomorrow thing, we're still having a moment. they'll understand.

🌼Just a gentle reminder that you bring a special kind of light and warmth to the world that often goes unnoticed by you, but it is so incredibly meaningful. Despite everything you've faced, you keep moving forward, and that’s something to be really proud of. Celebrate accomplishments, big and small. Your existence matters. You matter. The world is absolutely a better place with you in it, there is no argument there. Keep believing in yourself and growing, because you make a difference just by being you. Everything will eventually be okay and you are worthy of proving that true. 🌼🌼Just a gentle reminder that you bring a special kind of light and warmth to the world that often goes unnoticed by you, but it is so incredibly meaningful. Despite everything you've faced, you keep moving forward, and that’s something to be really proud of. Celebrate accomplishments, big and small. Your existence matters. You matter. The world is absolutely a better place with you in it, there is no argument there. Keep believing in yourself and growing, because you make a difference just by being you. Everything will eventually be okay and you are worthy of proving that true. 🌼

OUR REACTIONS TO THIS,

Never know how 2 react when ppl actually say love affirmations to us wholeheartedly but ty ty

ESP LIKE when we're in these depressive isolation episodes that we get in

Though we're getting better at dealing with em

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wanlidas-archive · 6 years ago

Text

OLIVIA ft. her family & addiction.

“you’re the only one who even remembered it was my one year sobriety coming up. i get it, they’re busy. this time of year is always bad because of playoffs and my mom has her DA campaigns..’ [ you have to tell your parents and jordan that you are struggling. ] “no, no.. it’ll just hurt them.” [ it’s hurting you. ]

olivia really, really tries to excuse her family for their absence in her life by constantly making excuses for them or justifying the reason they’ve hurt her. she often feels invisible within her own family and like her presence doesn’t matter, so she tells herself it’s just because they’re busy and she’s not allowed to be mad at them ——- but that’s the root of the problem. trying to justify it or making up excuses for them is only going to make her feel worse and worse even if she doesn’t realize that’s what she’s doing. and it’s because her heart is so big and because she cares so much about them that she’s so scared to admit she’s hurting by it because she doesn’t want to blame them for her own sadness even if it starts with them. burdening them with her pain feels like it’s only going to hurt them more, and she’s already done that by nearly dying. but that’s the problem. the fact that they don’t see she’s hurting and they don’t reach out to her while she’s so desperately trying to keep it all in and not show them she’s struggling again, it’s only going to farther deteriorate her mental state.

it’s nice to see other people start to reach out to her, but it can only go so far, because her real issue is that she desperately needs her family, and they’re not by her side. they love her so much and they do support her, she has never doubted their love for her or anything of the sort, but she is always comparing it to their love for jordan. and not in the sense that she thinks they love her more, but she thinks they pay more attention to him / let him get away with more because he’s the star athlete of the house, he’s following in his father’s footsteps, he has a goal to strive for that they can watch progress and be proud of him for it. they’re twins, they grew up together, but they went in separate directions despite having been close most of their lives. she doesn’t feel like she’s on the same level as him, even when she is putting herself in the exact position to be the person people pay attention to. her parents left town AGAIN and it crushed her, so to deal with that pain, she threw a party, because at least being the party girl was a title only she could have, and jordan couldn’t take that from her ——- except, his presence there was still enough to take the attention back away from her. it was just a reminder that people appreciated him more than her, that they cared about him more or that they thought he was more exciting, something she always felt she wasn’t and part of the reason she had been drawn to the party lifestyle to begin with.

“you guys are all so goal oriented. you live in the future, always focused on the next game, next campaign. it’s like you don’t see the details in the present. the thing is, i live in the present. why do you think i started doing drugs in the first place? at least being the party girl was something. then you just threw money at the problem, sent me off to rehab, and poof, i’m magically fixed.”

i’ve actually been speculating about this for a while and writing this as such but her parents really did believe that they did the right thing and that sending her off to rehab was the most that they could do. instead of brushing it off, instead of worrying about whatever reputation may form because of their daughter in rehab, they sent her there after she overdosed because it was the right thing to do. and it was, because that was the only way for olivia to get better ——- both in terms of being sober and in terms of knowing what was right for her. she doesn’t resent them for making that decision because she knows it was the right one, and she even says that if someone were to try to help her in any other way, she still would have kept doing it. but sending her off to rehab wasn’t the most they could do ——- it didn’t fix the root of the problem, which was that she just wanted her family to take care of her. not a bunch of strangers who could help her on a physical and mental level, but her parents and her brother who really needed to be there for her on an emotional level. =

she built her hopes up high when she was in rehab. she convinced herself that now that she had nearly died from this and now that she was getting so much better, her family would see that she needs them and they would make a better effort. except, nothing really changed that much. they didn’t shy away from telling her they loved her nor attempting to be there for her, but it wasn’t what she expected or what she really needed. she and jordan had pulled away from each other ——- both olivia’s attempt because of her guilt for sleeping with his best friend, and jordan’s inability to cope with the fact that he found olivia almost dead. her parents hadn’t changed that much, still incredibly busy with all they have to do —— stuff she certainly doesn’t resent them for, because she’s always been proud of everything her mother has accomplished and she’s proud and grateful that her father has gotten himself back on his feet after leaving the NFL & finding his bearings as a high school coach. but she still feels empty with them. sometimes it’s worse than before, because she feels really empty around them. she had made so much progress and she did that all on her own. she was making an active effort to stay sober so that they could be proud of her for something, but it always seemed to go unnoticed. she was begging them to ask her if she was okay or to tell her that they could see how well she was doing trying to be better, but it never came.

she doesn’t have the title of ‘ party girl ‘ anymore, and she’s glad for it, but now she is ‘ rehab girl ‘ and that’s a stigma she can joke about but it only masks the pain she really feels about it. she’s constantly worried that that’s how her family sees her too, that she is just a burden in this family because she is a problem child who had been sent to rehab at 16 and that she’s failed them. she wants them to want to take care of her, but she doesn’t want to ask for it. so sometimes, she’s passive aggressive instead. when she sticks to her mother’s side because she wants her mom to take care of her, but when she does something that alludes to being busy or having things to do, olivia makes passive aggressive comments to her in spite of the fact that she’s doing something else rather than paying attention to her family. and laura is absolutely not an absentee mother, she’s still very much involved in her kids lives, but olivia feels left out because she doesn’t have anything her mother is taking the time out of her day to do —— not like the way she makes time for jordan and billy’s football games and things of the sort. so when she doesn’t get that time for her mother’s attention to be completely on her, she gets sad.

obviously, this all only gets worse when billy reaches out to spencer. and it’s not because of who spencer is, because olivia already has a good relationship with him. it might have been different if he was asked to live with them before olivia got to know him, but he had already made a good impression on her. that hard part about this was that her father was suddenly so fixated on this random kid that no one knew, and he was paying more attention to him —— seemingly both on the field and off ( something both the baker twins were struggling with. ) olivia commended her father for this and respected him so much for caring for this person, because she knew it was the right thing to do, but she also longed to have that kind of attention too. she could see that jordan was struggling with it too, and it was easier to show their father that he was hurting both of them rather than just pointing out that he was hurting her only. there was some kind of comfort in knowing that she and her brother were both struggling with this, because for once, she didn’t feel alone in it —— but she hated that her brother was struggling at all, too, so it pushed her to actually say something to her father.

"post rehab, spencer is the only person who asked me if i was really okay. all of you just assumed i was and just moved on.”

spencer caught her eye immediately because he was new, and he had no recollection of who she had been after her reputation had been shattered months prior. everyone already knew her as the party girl turned rehab girl, and though she wanted to make a new name for herself, it was hard in the environment she was in. spencer go to meet who she was before he had to know who she had been before. she was honest with him about his past because she knew he wouldn’t be able to escape it if people saw him hanging around her, and because she already felt comfortable enough with him to know that it was okay to be vulnerable with him, even if she hid that behind a mask of brushing it off lightly. his first response was to ask her if she was okay after all of that, and that is part of why she develops a crush on him so early on —— he notices her. not in the way she wants him to, but he does, and that’s more than she can say for her family at this point. she’s back from rehab, sober, and she's doing better, so they want to believe that’s all there is to it, that she is going to continue being fine and everything is fixed now. but olivia is well aware that it can’t just be fixed and that she will always be an addict, so hearing someone actually, genuinely ask if she’s okay is refreshing to her. she clings to that in spencer and wants to spend more time with it because when he’s looking at her, he sees her. again, not in the way she wanted to at that point, but it’s so refreshing to her. a part of her may always be drawn to him for that, but mostly, she does think of him as family now, and that’s true again when he reaches out to her to make sure she’s okay after her family has brushed her off all day. spencer is incredibly important in her support system and in her ability to cope.

“today, i literally find one bottle of pills, and it’s like i’m back to 2017 me. why?” [ dig deep. figure out what demons got stirred up for you. ]

drugs were her coping mechanism. drugs were an escape from the emptiness she felt inside her own family. the persona she put on whenever she was using was someone she clung to because it meant people were paying attention to her. drugs were a way of pretending that she wasn’t alone when she felt so lost amongst her family. all she ever wanted was for her family to take care of her and to love her and to not be afraid to show it. any sort of sudden absence of inability to notice her presence may always be a trigger for her, even when things are better between all of them and they’re making an active effort to pay more attention to her and care for her more. it’s always going to be there on the back of her mind and it’s always going to be terrifying to her.

#* meta ↷ o. baker.#* study ↷ o. baker.#do.nt.reblog.#long post /#drugs /#drug addiction /#pills /#rehab /#drug mention /#drug addiction mention /#addiction /#addiction tw #drugs tw #some of these quotes arent exact but i was emo transcribing and havent rewatched yet!!!!#i. am so in love with her. so much #i cant even put it into words i love her so much #she’s only existed for 1 season and she is so easily in my top 3 fave female characters ever #idk why i said she has only existed for 1 season as if tracy wasn’t in Less eps than that & still my number 2 but. ok #im just at such a High rn bc we went so long not knowing what her Dark Year really stemmed from #and i had to speculate on my own and everything was so spot on it makes me so sad #this fam is so interesting bc they have so much love for each other they’re just. not always good at showing it.#i want to write this same thing from jordan’s perspective but i need time i have so many emotions #just trying to say good morning to her family was her trigger god #love her sm.#imagine ppl watching this show with a cast of nearly all poc + actual non toxic lesbian rep + relevant storylines that matter

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fandom-blackhole · 2 years ago

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hi :3 your jackson song as a joel fic is still rent free in my head. could you share your idea? or is it still under wraps?

mwah mwah!! 😘

You know what? You asked for this, you made me think of this fic idea again, so you're getting the full fic rn. I hope you enjoy it lmao <3 <3

Pairing: Joel Miller x Reader (gender/race neutral) Summary: Three times Reader sings Jackson by Johnny Cash and annoys Joel, and the one time Joel actually joins in. this is a 3+1 bc i couldn't decide which scene I had imagined for this to write so I went with all of the above (I heavily suggest listening to the song at least once, it's a great tune and will get stuck in your head lol) Warnings: contains spoilers for the show and game (bc as usual I am mixing the two together, mentions of violence and guns, really just reader being annoying to Joel, me shitting on KC (im from KS so im allowed), UNEDITED (bc i am being a bit lazy sorry) WC: 4.5k (how do all of my fics get away from me like this smh)

It had been a long few hours. Emotions were a little high and tension was a bit thick. Neither you nor Joel had been expecting what you found when you finally got to Bill and Frank’s small town. You’d expected a smile and hug from Frank and grumpy complaining from Bill over bringing an outsider, let alone a kid to his town. You’d expected to see Frank take to Ellie and want to show her around, clean her up and feed her like he loved to do. You’d expected to find two of the few you allowed yourself to call friends. Instead you found quiet emptiness, dead flowers, and a note that had your heart breaking for the second time in so many days. Tess' death still heavy on your heart, now had the company of losing Bill and Frank.

So when the first notes softly floated from the speakers of the truck Bill left Joel, you had to do a double take, a grin quickly lighting up your face as you jumped forward in your seat and turned up the radio. The words you knew by heart, the song one of your mother’s favorites, so at the exact time Joel turned to you in question, you grinned widely at him and sang along, “We got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout.”

With a huff Joel whispered to himself an exasperated, “Christ,” but you carried on.

“We’ve been talkin’ ‘bout Jackson, ever since the fire went out.”

You could hear Ellie behind you laughing to herself as Joel shook his head. You didn’t let up, though, you kept singing and pulling laughs from Ellie, making sure to put emphasis on the way you sang every time Jackson was mentioned. You made sure to put on a show as the song switched back and forth between the duet, deepening your voice and acting all suave while Johnny Cash sang and all smooth and flirty during June Carter’s parts.

By the time the song was over, you were a bit breathless from your antics and Ellie was doubled over in the back seat of the truck laughing at you and clapping for you. Joel, though, simply reached over and turned the radio back down til the next song was just barely heard over Ellie's wheezing and the sound of the truck’s engine.

Turning to Joel with a giant grin, you see him simply shaking his head. So you tilted your head at him, as he glanced at you out of the corner of his eye.

“Well? What did you think of my once in a lifetime performance,” you asked with a teasing grin.

Joel simply huffed, “It was, uh, somethin’.”

With faux pride you close your eyes with a nod and confidently say, “Thank you, I worked very hard on that you know. Gonna be singing on the big stage one day.”

That drew a chuckle out of Joel as he grinned and said, “I look forward to seein’ it.”

Kansas City looked a bit worse for wear than you had expected. Though you probably should have really expected this, the rumors that floated around about the city were not favorable. Of all of the cities and FEDRA run quarantine zones it was well known that Kansas City was one of the worst and you better off trying to survive on your own rather try and find refuge within the city. Honestly though it's not too surprising the quarantine zone ended up the way it did, the city was situated in the ass crack of Missouri and Kansas afterall.

You were however caught off guard when you found that the Kansas City FEDRA had finally toppled and the city had been taken over by a group of hunters who were more than happy to use what the soldiers had left behind after their deaths. The hunter were still crafty with their environment, you had to give them that.

The crash had left all three of you disoriented. You had not expected the bus that they had let loose on the truck and you highly doubted Joel had expected it either. When the truck crashed into the convenience store you were thrown forward, smashing you head into the dash so hard spots formed in your eyes and you could feel a piece of glass dig into the skin right above your left eye.

After that things kind of passed in a blur for you. You knew there was a fight and you knew that you had shot at a few guys, though you kind of doubted that you actually managed to hit either with how disoriented you were. Once it was safe for the moment, Joel raced to check on you and Ellie, shoving your bags into your arms. Ellie as it turned out was no worse for wear because she’d been ducked down in the backseat out of sight of the hunters, and your only injuries were from the crash, a small gash on your forehead and a mild concussion from Joel’s estimate.

The three of you didn’t really have time to waste on first aid at that moment, so you’d simply pressed a bandana you had to you head and motioned to a large building a little ways away, whispering, “That’s probably our safest bet right now, we’ll get me fixed up once we know we are all safe.”

Joel had only hesitated for a second before agreeing. He led you and Ellie carefully to the building, safely making sure the three of you stayed out of sight. Once inside, you found that the building was an old hotel, and a nice one at that.

You quietly whistled and said, “This place is nice, could only dream of coming to a place like this before the outbreak.”

Joel just grunted as he looked around for useful things, finding a safe as he replayed, “Isn’t exactly nice anymore.”

You leaned against the counter beside where he was crouched trying to crack the safe and watched as Ellie looked around the lobby with an interest only a child could have. Sighing you shrugged and glanced over your shoulder as you heard the door creak open and replied, “I don’t know. If the outbreak did anything it did bring a certain beauty to the world. There’s something poetically beautiful in the sight of nature reclaiming what once belonged to it.”

Walking around the counter, Joel stood in front of you with a brow raised and shook his head, “Maybe that concussion is worse than I thought if you’re gettin’ all philosophical on me.”

With a huffed laugh you rolled your eyes and just nodded to the stairs, “Come on.”

Your progression upward went smoothly until the fourth floor where per your group’s usual luck you found the stairs blocked with all kinds of debris. You never thought you would miss stairs, but as you picked your way through the floor scouting for a way up you wished that just once the three of you would pick a building that had a simple straightforward way to the top.

You were pulled from your melancholic thoughts by Ellie’s raised voice, “Found a way up!”

You were a little thankful to be pulled away from your thoughts, the action slowly making the ever present headache since the crash throb. Quickly as possible you made your way across the hallway to the room Ellie had been looking through and smiled when you found a concert room with a stage and a beautiful grand piano. You made your way to the stage, noticing the way up Ellie found was on the corner of the stage where the above balcony’s railing had fallen. Gently you ran your fingers over the piano, a little sad to see such a magnificent creation in such disrepair. Looking up to Ellie who stood on the other side you made your way around and hip bumped her.

“You know how to play?”

Ellie laughed and turned to you with a look that screamed she was judging you as she replied, “You really think they’d teach us to play piano in FEDRA school? Let alone find one that actually works,” she shook her head and slowly made her way to the edge of the stage, jumping down. “What about you? You play?”

You hummed and ran your fingers over the keys, cringing at the awful out of tune melody that played. You were stopped from answering though as your fingers fell upon an old rusted microphone. Picking it up you smiled and looked up right as Joel walked into the room. Instantly you laughed, and your grin spread as your eyes met Joel's stoic hazel.

Gently you twirled to the center of the stage, a little dizzy from the sudden movements, but didn’t let it deter you. Looking up at your crowd you heard Joel ask Ellie, “What on Earth are they doing?”

You saw Ellie answer with a shrug and that's when you started to sing the opening notes of the song you had been annoying Joel with for weeks. Ellie laughed and Joel tried protesting but you just carried on. You let yourself get carried away singing the lyrics and making a fool of yourself on stage with your poor excuse of dancing.

It didn’t take Joel long to make his way to the stage, to stop you or figure out how to reach the balcony on the second floor you weren’t sure, but if you had to put money on it you’d guess both. The second he was within reach you grabbed his hand and pulled him towards you as you sang, “Go play your hand, you big talkin’ man. Make a big fool of yourself.”

Rolling his eyes Joel pulled away and you let him go only a second later as you spun yourself again the dizziness became too much and you found yourself stumbling with a gasp. Thankfully Joel had been close enough and had caught you before you fell and hit your head again on the stage.

He led you over to the piano bench and sat you down, taking the microphone from you as he said, “Sit and rest, before you hurt yourself more. Not exactly smart jumping and twirling around with a fresh concussion, nor making a bunch of noise when we are supposed to be keeping a low profile so we aren’t found by those hunters.”

With a sigh you just pouted, over not being able to finish your song but you listened to him and sat there and watched as Joel and Ellie pushed the grand piano over to the wall and watched as Ellie used it to jump up to the next floor. Joel followed but turned to you after getting onto the piano, motioning like he was going to help you up, which he did and then helped boost you to the next floor even if you didn’t need it, getting the feeling he was coddling you now.

Once he was up next to you again, you turned to him with a faux pout, “You said you looked forward to seeing me perform on a stage.”

With a huff, Joel gave you a look that said he was already tired of this situation and only replied, “Do it again when you aren’t a danger to yourself or the rest of us.”

Joel was infallible. At least you had always thought he was. He was the best survivor you knew, there was no question as to why he had gotten this far into the apocalypse, he just knew how to take care of himself and protect those around him. You had seen him get scrapes and bruises from fights and a couple of grazes from near misses from bullets. Never could you imagine that the man you held on such a high pedestal could fall as heavily as he had. You never thought you’d have to watch the man you’d found yourself caring for whole heartedly almost bleed out before your eyes.

But here you are, watching him shiver from the cold and no doubt from the pain wracking his body. Watching him sleep in fits and gazing into glazed eyes when he was barely awake. It was hard to watch, but you tried to be strong for Ellie’s sake. You sometimes would catch her staring at Joel’s fitful body, worry echoing on her face before she threw up a wall on her emotions. You didn’t want to admit it, but of the two she was more helpful. She’d been more successful with finding food and hunting than you have been. Ellie is also the one that had managed to find and bring back the full stocked and sterile first aid kit that you’d used to suture and clean Joel’s wound with, even if the supplies hadn’t done too much for his weakening state. You had found that your main use was only keeping the three of you on track to Salt Lake City and acting as a nurse to Joel, getting him to drink water or broth without drowning him, something Ellie found she didn’t really have the patience or the bedside manner to do.

Still you hid your worries, and shared optimistic thoughts with Ellie during the day even if you didn’t truly believe them yourself.You like to believe you’re helping Ellie by doing this, but in truth you think she’s doing the same for you, just putting on a brave face to make you feel better.

Each night the two of you would take turns taking watch, Ellie always going first, insisting you get rest and not truly trusting you to wake her for the second watch- which was fair because the one time she had agreed to let you take first watch you hadn’t had the heart to wake the exhausted girl to which she’d given you the silent treatment for the next day.

It was only during your watches, once you knew for sure Ellie was asleep, her breaths evening out and her body relaxing, that you allowed your mask to slip, to let your worries out. Each night that passed you swore Joel got paler, that he looked closer to death’s door. You hate watching him wither away like this, hate seeing the strongest person you know, your rock in this world, fall and not be able to help him even though your heart screams at you. You have found yourself sobbing helplessly into your hand in attempts to stay quiet a few times, the hurt and worry building up inside you until it exploded. You hated that you felt weak, but truely what could you do when your strength lay slowly dying on a nasty old twin sized mattress?

Tonight though the tears don’t come. Instead you find yourself feeling empty in your grief as you sit beside Joel’s head gently combing your fingers through his hair in a soothing motion. You weren’t sure if it was meant to sooth Joel or yourself, but either way the action seemed to be grounding you and it could be your imagination but it seemed that Joel’s face seemed somewhat more relaxed so you didn’t stop.

You aren’t sure when, but you caught yourself humming at some point and you couldn’t help but smile and jokingly think to yourself, ‘if anything is going to get a reaction out of him, it’ll be hearing me annoy him with this song again.’

You let yourself hum it a few times, making sure to stay quiet, not wanting to wake Ellie who’d become somewhat of a light sleeper, but eventually you had to laugh and whisper, “Yeah, go to Jackson, and go comb your hair,” as you ran your fingers through Joel’s hair.

You let yourself sing a few more lines, not really paying attention to anything but where your fingers continued their path through his hair, so you were surprised when you felt your free hand, which you had just had laying on Joel’s chest, be enclosed in a rougher calloused hand. Pausing your singing you looked down in surprise and found Joel’s lips turned upward just slightly, and his hand enveloping your own in a loose hold.

With a watery smile, knowing that just moving his hand had to have had taken a lot of energy from him, so you clutched it tighter in your hold as you turned back to running your fingers through his hair as you whispered to him, “Yeah, you go to Jackson, you big talkin’ man. And I’ll be waitin’ in Jackson,” before trailing back off into a hum.

It was over, all of it was finally over. The fireflies were gone, something you would never have to worry about again. Joel was strong again, Ellie was safe, and all three of you were all back in Jackson settling down and making a home for yourselves with Tommy and Maria and all of the townsfolk. And you couldn’t be happier. Everything in life just felt right for the first time since the outbreak. It was odd in a way, but it was so freeing that you didn’t care. You never could have let yourself dream about a life like this, of having a family like this that you could allow yourself to care for. You didn’t think something like this would ever be allowed to live, to thrive in a world so torn apart by a deadly infection and the worst of humanity. But you found it, and you let yourself bask in it. You let yourself be happy.

When the three of you all arrived back in Jackson it had taken a while for each of you to all settle in and relax. It was so foreign after spending months fighting and protecting each other's backs from every danger imaginable. Ellie had taken about a month to situate herself in the town, finding it a bit easier with teens her age being so interested in being her friend and getting to know her as the new kid in town. She settled into the garage and made it her own. Watching her have her own space was a little hard after having her in your sights 24/7 for so long, but you knew she needed it, that she deserved it after everything she went through. You and Joel stayed in the house together, both unwilling to be to far from the teen after everything that went down in Salt Lake City at the hospital and finding the bond between the two of you keeping you together. You each had your own rooms though Joel’s only got used every once in a while, many nights bringing him to your room when your nightmares wake him up. His own nightmares occasionally brought him to you as well, as he found comfort in not being alone, in waking up to find you laying there with soft breaths next to him.

Joel took about a little over a month to settle into the community but once Tommy got him in on the patrol board, he immediately found his place. Letting Joel have some control over where and how the patrols went allowed him to feel a sense of peace. It played into his strong suit of needing to know that the people he cared about were safe and taken care of. Seeing Joel let himself relax and fill the role really warmed your heart, happy to know Joel was finally at peace after so many years of functioning just in fight-or-flight mode.

You, though, took the longest to find your place in Jackson. You didn’t slack, you jumped from job to job filling any empty position in any area that they would let you, but the truth was you didn’t have a strength or a useful skill that could be applied somewhere within the town. You could hunt, but you were not the best at it. You were decent at growing things but the greenhouse didn’t really need anymore volunteers. And while you did love children you neither had the patience or the knowledge to be teaching. So as time passed and Joel and Ellie found their rhythms in the town you found yourself feeling like you were floundering a bit, drowning in a pool of water where your feet should be touching the ground. It wasn’t until you were doing a patrol with Joel a few months after settling back in Jackson that he brought up that the doctor in town was looking to train a new nurse. He had brought it up nonchalantly, but you could tell by the way he glanced out of the corner of his eye that he had a reason behind bringing it up. Later you managed to weasel it out of him, to which he simply replied, “I may not have been all there, but I remember how well you played nurse for me. I think you’d be good at it.”

He had been right of course, you had taken to the position like a duck to water and within no time you found yourself finding your own path in Jackson, letting yourself finally fall into content happiness that Joel and Ellie had also found. In no time at all the three of you all found yourself falling into a routine, each of you revolving around the other two and finding ways to still stay close and not get too busy to not be able to know what the others were up to. Your favorite day in the routine was every three days you’d all have a family meal, Tommy and Maria joining the three of you every other meal.

It was on one of those nights that Joel had come home late from his patrol. You had already started making dinner and had simply shooed him upstairs to take a shower while you finished cooking, knowing that it was only a matter of time before Ellie burst in the back door groaning about being starving.

You weren’t sure how long Joel took to get cleaned up, you had zoned out into your thoughts shortly after hearing the shower turn on, but after what you knew only had to have been a handful of minutes you heard him coming back downstairs, and when he came into the kitchen you simply motioned to the table, asking if he’d set it for you as you had dinner already almost finished.

You however didn’t expect to hear Joel turn on your little portable CD player on the counter and skip through the songs as he said, “Found you something’ while on patrol today.”

You hummed in question, curiosity over taking you as you glanced over your shoulder at him before turning back to stirring what you were cooking. Only a few seconds later you paused as the all to familiar notes floated around the kitchen and a soft smile found its way onto your face. Gently you started swaying as you cooked, but almost as soon as you had started you found a pair of arms wrapped around your middle as Joel pulled you away from the stove, as his deep accented voice sang, “We got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout. We’ve been talkin’ ‘bout Jackson ever since the fire went out. I’m goin’ to Jackson, I’m gonna mess around. Yeah I’m goin’ to Jackson, look out Jackson town.”

Laughing joyfully you join in right as June Carter does and turn to face Joel sticking your spoon in his face as you back up towards the stove to turn it down as you sang, “Well, go on down to Jackson. Go ahead and wreck your health. Go play your hand, you big talkin’ man, Make a big fool of yourself. Yeah, go to Jackson, go comb your hair.”

With a grin Joel grabs the spoon from your hand, laying it on the spoon rest, before grabbing your hand as he picked up his part of the duet once more, “Honey, I’m gonna snowball Jackson, see if I care. When I breese into that city, people gonna stoop and bow. All them women gonna make me teach ‘em what they don’t know how. I’m going to Jackson. You turn ‘n’ loosen my coat, ‘cause I’m goin’ to Jackson.”

Swaying in Joel’s arms as he sang was perfect and you wished more than anything that you could pause time right there and just enjoy this for all eternity. As his part finished once more, Joel twirled you, which you used to sway away from him as you came in singing, “”Goodbye,” that’s all she wrote. But they’ll laugh at you in Jackson and I’ll be dancin’ on a Pony Keg. They’ll lead you ‘round town like the scalded hound, with your tail hooked between your legs. Yeah, go to Jackson, you big talkin’ man. And I’ll be waitin’ in Jackson behind my Jaypan fan.”

You managed to stay out of Joel’s reach until the end laughing as the two of you joined together twirling and dancing around as you sang together.

“Well, now, we got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout. We’ve been talkin’ ‘bout Jackson ever since the fire went out. I’m goin’ to Jackson and that’s a fact. Yeah, we’re going to Jackson, ain’t never comin’ back.”

Joel’s grin was bigger than you’ve ever seen, your happiness radiating off eachother as he swung you out and brought you back in as the two of you finished the song together, eyes never leaving the other’s, “Well, we go married in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout. Honey, we’ve been talkin’ ‘bout Jackson ever since the fire went out.”

At the very end Joel surprised you by dipping you low, which pulled a loud gasping laugh from you before he pressed a small kiss to your lips before pulling you back up. You couldn’t wipe the grin off of your face once you were back on your feet, not even when two sets of claps came from the doorway along with a quick retching noise. Whipping your head around you felt yourself heat up in embarrassment to see Tommy and Maria standing there grinning at the two of you while Ellie wrinkled her nose and called the two of you gross.

“Hope the two of you didn’t burn our dinner while you were too busy being all lovey dovey,” Ellie griped while plopping down into her seat at the table.

“As a matter of fact I turned the stove off at the beginning of the song, so don’t worry, your food will be just fine,” you replied carrying the pot to the table as Joel passed around plates and silverware, taking it from you once you reached the table with a soft loving smile which you returned, making Ellie groan about losing her appetite even though she was smiling. All the while Tommy and Maria simply enjoyed the entertainment, though Maria did lean over and whisper, “Why can’t you be romantic, like that?”

To which Tommy grinned and simply replied while filling her glass with water, “You want me to try?”

With a sigh, Maria met his gaze and said, “No, I’m not sure I can hand whatever you think would be romantic.”

#joel miller x reader #joel x reader #ellie is here too <3 #I should also add that Mr Cash was a huge part of my childhood and I LOVE this song so this would 100% be me #especially once I found out that the town Tommy lives in is called Jackson #i hope you like this #also thank you for this #bc it was the perfect excuse to procrastinate HW

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